New Orleans When President Trump gets bored after a hard day of executive orders, tariff terrorism, university and immigrant bashing, and family grifting, his special fun spot is clear. He loves handing out pardons in his own personal brand of restorative justice.
As a felon, he has become a crusader for other felons who believe the justice system has done them wrong. He signs presidential pardons like a person behind the counter at a candy store. It’s the one place and space where no one can tell him what to do.
For Trump’s brand of restorative justice, there do seem to be some guidelines, even if his whims seem to have no rules.
Of course, you need to be a felon, because it takes one to know one.
Being a convicted Republican politician helps, because, once again, it takes one to know one. He has pardoned former governors and congressional representatives who stole money from their campaign funds or others, and in one case last term, even a former Democratic governor. This is all consistent with his value system and deep belief that once elected to anything, your power should never be limited by the law or the Constitution.
Of course, it helps if you steal a lot, not a little. Petty criminals, forget about it. Big time criminals, get in line. It needs to be millions, preferably many millions. If you were a reality television or influencer huckster and felt you needed to siphon away millions to fund a luxury lifestyle to pretend to be rich, even if you weren’t, that certainly qualifies in Trump world for a pardon. Having lived beyond his wealth and created a fiction about his immense riches for years, fudged bank loans, and scammed millions in one questionable enterprise after another, Trump understands the motivations of people in this situation as well, because, yet again, it takes one to know one.
The same goes if you are a nation state. Having some problems with your brother countries in the Middle East, give Trump a $400 million plane, and get some royal treatment in return. Open the country for foreign investments, and no matter the past, sanctions will be dropped and you’re in the cool crowd again. Let Trump and the family make some money while opening the door to natural resources, bitcoin, or whatever, and here come the deals, arms or whatever.
In any and all of these situations, campaign or other donations help pave the way. They aren’t required in every case, but sometimes it seems to be the only requirement. You ripped off your nursing home workers, but your mother was a fundraiser for Trump and then donated a million, then your son can walk away from your jail sentence and restitution for having stolen even more millions.
Of course, when it comes to your haberdashery and general wardrobe, I don’t think I even need to remind you to get the MAGA hat and a number of t-shirts and other paraphernalia. Make sure there a lot of pictures on your social media in that kind of garb. Post atta-boys regularly on X-Twitter. Share widely any and all conspiracy stories about his election loss or list of grievances. All of this should go without saying.
You’re set. Go big or go home, rather than to prison, and if it’s big enough and tilted sufficiently to the right with some huge dollops of suck up flattery, there’s a fair chance that some fine day over the coming several years, Trump might just give you a pardon.